Christians are straight up FREAKS
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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