i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
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