yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
