No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
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we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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