I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
