I cannot find my penis.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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