If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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