How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
