please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
