I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
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you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
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My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually