I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?