All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
