Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
