What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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