i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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