I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it hurts more in the daytime
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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