Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
