So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The ass gains better be worth it
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