for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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