Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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