Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Randomize
