apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we made out on top of his cat.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
