Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
