Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
