My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
