I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Floor bacon is actually really good
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
