I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
