FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
