i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This can only be settled by a dance off.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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