I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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