so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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