Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
