What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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