Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
