No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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