I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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