im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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