my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
