Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
