I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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