I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
