last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
