I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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