Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
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