Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
