Already got asked if we're dating
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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