Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
