I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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