Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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