While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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