We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
