so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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