Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
