Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I could fuck to npr.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
