I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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