and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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