Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
