peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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